the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
