Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
