she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
