So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Alive.
So much puke
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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