Four minutes until I can fart!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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