fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
