My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
