Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
