i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
