Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
