im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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