Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
