well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
