when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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