Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Still dying that you shit outside
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
