I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
