Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
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