mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
My ATM looks so different sober.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
