my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
