i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
