Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
