what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
