I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
