so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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