Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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