Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
