Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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