i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
