come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
