So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
In other news, I just burned my penis
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
