I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
