I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
