I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
