he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
