Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
