I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
