Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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