Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
