i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
