Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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