I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
