Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
