just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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