Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
