I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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