Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
