My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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