They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
