I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Randomize
