Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
