The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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