we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
