I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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