Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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