pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
