Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
