The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
